Blog

It’s our creed here at Kamikaze Cookery that cooking isn’t hard to do. We think it’s even easier if you know what you’re doing, which is why what we’re trying to do here is bring the Science. If you can’t be bothered with the Science, though, there are always ready meals.

Except that you still need to know what you’re doing with ready meals.

Last night I had Roast Chicken Bites™ and chips™⁰. They come in packets that you keep in the freezer. Somebody has done all the hard work for me, and all I need to do is make them hot for a bit. After that, they’re cooked. That’s the theory. Only it doesn’t quite work like that.

The Roast Chicken Bites™ helpfully told me on the back of the packet that they required to be heated at 200° for 15 minutes. The chips™ likewise advised me that they requested 230° for 22 minutes. Theoretically, I could put the chips™ in first and go back later to put in the Bites™ for less time, but I still have a problem. My oven, quite reasonably, I think, only has one temperature dial.

Had I wanted vegetables with my meal, I would have had to cook them for 20 minutes at 180°. If I’d decided to roast my own, I would have needed 240°.

How many ovens do these people think we have?

You can’t just fudge it, either. Trying to work out a reasonable interim temperature between the two, and revised cooking times for different products at that temperature, is going to require a degree in calculus. And you’re still going to end up with soggy chips.

The only reliable guideline I’ve ever come across for frozen food is this: no matter what it says about the time on the packet, if the food product is or may ever have come into contact with a potato, add fifty per cent. If you’re hungry in my flat, and you want to eat something quickly, you might be better off cooking real food from scratch.

If I’m missing some obvious trick that people Just Know, I’d be delighted to hear of it.

Ovens are weird. We talk about them in this week’s episode, coming on Wednesday to an internet near you, pajh-fans. The episode also features the lovely Jehane, Kamikaze Cookery’s Consultant Archaeologist. We used her oven, which is slightly less stupid than mine, but it still has only one temperature dial.

⁰ That’s ‘fries’ if you’re American. Except that they were baked, not fried, so they can’t be called fries. Do you have oven chips in America? And do you call them “oven fries”? Crazy.