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So, the first question I would ask, were I arriving at this site for the first time, would be “Damn. Why is it orange?”

And my reply, naturally, would be “Shut up, we like it.”

My second question, though, would probably be “So where are the recipes?”. And that merits a bit more thought.

See, we all love cookery shows. We love the ideas, we love the recipes, we love Rick Stein’s little dog. But, frankly, we hardly ever use any of the ideas in the bloody things.

It’s the same with cookbooks. Studies, from Actual Universities, have shown that people cook, on average, two recipes from any one cookbook. Frankly, that’s a total disaster – but it’s not very surprising. Most cookbooks just present an endless list of dishes, along with lots of subliminal messages about upper-middle-class living. Great to read through and imagine living Jamie’s or Nigella’s lifestyle, perhaps (a truly frightening thought), but not much use for the actual, you know, cooking.

Or to put it another way: 99% of all media about cooking is currently shit.

It gets even worse if you’re not a foodie to begin with. I’ve heard from friends of mine who don’t have home-made temperature controllers living in their kitchen that just looking at your average cookbook puts them off the idea of cooking. It all looks so complicated, and everyone portrayed in cookbooks and cooking shows are just so damn good at it. And then there’s the current fetish for not-so-subliminal messages that real cooks use organic, free-range, heritage, locally-sourced. I’ve seen plenty of shows that basically imply that if you didn’t know the name of the pig whose bacon you plan to cook, you should just fuck off to McDonalds, you slob.

And all of that really annoys the hell out of me. These things should be written to be used, dammit. If I want porn I’ll use Google. I don’t need to pretend that I’m buying a practical book when I’m actually just going for a journey through poorly-thought-out middle-class aspirations.

There are exceptions, of course. Heston Blumenthal’s “Perfect” books are fantastic, because he explains the techniques he uses in detail. But even there, I don’t cook an eight-hour Perfect Bolognaise too often.

No, the most helpful cookbooks I’ve found are the ones that don’t have recipes in – just information. Don’t Sweat The Aubergine, Molecular Gastronomy, and of course On Food And Cooking, the single book that I consult when I’m cooking just about anything. There’s no recipes in there, no inflexible lists of ingredients with no background and no explanation (half the time, of course, there’s no explanation because the writer doesn’t know how or why the recipe works, and may have never even thought to ask the question.). There’s just information. What eggs are made of, what their reactions are with various other foodstuffs, how they can be used to make meringues, sauces, emulsions. What temperatures cause chemical changes in food, and thus how you can design the taste of your meal. What properties a sauce should have to soften meat.

That’s a bloody useful book. And that’s why we don’t have a single recipe in this season of Kamikaze Cookery. We’re never going to tell you to “just whack a bit of basil in” then prepare fifty-seven ingredients in the time it takes you to make a cup of tea. We want to give you useful information that’ll help you make your own recipes, ‘cos that’s actually useful.

Also, we’re going to swear a lot, burn things, and take the piss out of Jamie Oliver.